Japanese have well defined tools how to keep the harmony in the society, called honne and tatemae.
Honne is the genuine truth, the feelings and opinions they really have. And tatemae is the facade, the face they show in public.
When speaking tatemae, Japanese are overly polite, say things they might not really mean and behave the way they might not want, just for the sake of keeping peace, good relationships and harmony. And in public, they always speak tatemae. It is commonly known and accepted that everyone does it. They don't show what they really think.
Having the concepts of honne and tatemae so clearly defined, they are actually being honest about dishonesty. They admit that they are only artificially polite, and are fine with this.
I have a big problem because of this. I always try to be honest and I try to express my honne as much as I can afford to (yes, even in other countries there are some rules about being polite, but it doesn't go as far as in Japan). I think I'm sometimes even pushing my public expression of honne too far. I value honesty much more than politeness and harmony.
Here, when someone speaks to you, you never know if they are just speaking tatemae or whether this tatemae corresponds to their honne. How can you know? How do Japanese know? And how can this be a basis for a good relationship, when you don't even know if they are just polite to you, or whether they really mean it. And what is good about being polite if it is plain obvious that you don't mean it and that you are just showing a nice face?
My book says "In Japan people can understand the differences between honne and tatemae because they have grown up with these dual concepts. People switch easily and skillfully between the two and are rarely aware that they can cause misunderstandings and confusion among people who are not accustomed to this way of interacting." "Many non-Japanese have difficulty in adapting to Japan because the extensive use of tatemae makes it very difficult to find out what people really think."
So from this I can conclude that
1) It is normal that their way of communicating confuses me.
2) Japanese can obviously distinguish when someone is speaking honne and when tatemae. (So what is the point then?)
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I'm so fascinated about honne and tatemae and people discuss it like crazy on diffrent forums. I think I can read the whole night.
Just for fun, I find something that can explain tatemae to "normal" people.
Women's Tatemae English:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important.
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an *****.
this is really interesting, i never heard of this before. is the average japanese person actually aware of this or is it just something they describe like this for foreigners?
'upper' class people and normal(ish) people who have been to oxbridge here tend to do this and it really irritates me. although they tend to combine being polite with trying to subtly be unpleasant to the people they don't like in a superficially polite way!
i think its a very bad thing to do because it makes everything silly abstractions and rules rather than treating people as people
Yes, this is something they are very well aware of, it's not just something they explain to the foreigners. And it seems they are really sensitive to each other's feelings. I think that communication here is on a completely different level.
Now this is VERY interesting!!
Tom, I don't think it is confined to Oxbridge, it is probably more of a class thing, although I guess you're more likely to adopt it if you mix with other toffs at those universities :) I guess in the UK you might say that Tatemae is "civilised conversion". Being diplomatic and balanced and so on, for the sake of having a pleasant time, with people who perhaps you don't really like. Quite a good strategy for the workplace, but you'd think that personal relationships could be more honest! It soon drops away when you get drunk of course. Do drunken Japanese keep up the Tatemae, Tina?
I read that when drunk, they are much more honest. But I haven't really noticed it. Haven't had too many drunken experiences either :)
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